Ok, so a couple of entries ago I left myself some notes of things I wanted to put down for posterity. I covered the first one, now it's time to move on to the second one.

When I wrote the note, it was geared towards my weariness with the nightly battles dealing with Gomez and his homework, although that was just scratching the surface of what was bothering me.

It's hard being a single parent. Oh, I realize that I'm damned fortunate to have my kids with me. I can't imagine how empty my life would be without having them with me on a constant basis. *nods sympathetically to don* But there are times when being the solitary parent figure is overwhelming. See, I'm always the "bad guy" .. always. I'm the one who has to make them do the stuff that kids seem allergic to doing .. brushing teeth, showering, picking up after themselves, and yep, homework. When they go to their Dad's, it's always a fun time of course, cuz it's a weekend. No early bedtimes, dessert before (or instead of) dinner, no homework, etc.

For the past few years it has been a constant struggle with Gomez regarding homework. Lost books, forgotten assignments and general laziness have topped the list. Since he has dyslexia, he has to try even harder to get a grasp of things and he gets frustrated because sometimes no matter how hard he tries, he still ends up with the wrong answers.

Anyway, after yet another night of what I've titled "The Battle", I was at my wits end. It wasn't so much The Battle that did it, but rather that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was mentally and emotionally looking around, cowering, thinking what's next?

Insomnia has had me firmly in it's grip. I've been sleeping maybe 5 hours per 24 hour period for the past week, and those 5 hours are never consecutive. Sleep deprivation is brutal. Add to that the fact that not only am I solely responsible for the "parenting" (and all that entails) of two very active kids, I am also solely responsible for the house and everything that goes along with it. Cleaning, laundry, taking out the trash, grocery shopping .. yeah yeah, I know that lots of single people do it daily, but I'm convinced that when you add two kids to the mix and stir it becomes a volatile mix. Here's a list of Honey-do's that I have, sadly without a Honey here to help me do them. 1. Kimo's outter storm window is broken and needs to be fixed. 2. Something funky is going on with the plumbing. I can't wash a load of clothes that requires anything over a water level of medium. 3. The dryer door won't stay shut unless I wedge it closed with a stick. 4. The thermostat for the central heat needs to be fixed before it starts cooling off here. 5. Gomez's back rim on his bike is now resembling those melting clocks in that all too famous work of art. 6. The fridge is making funny noises and I'm praying it holds out a while longer. 7. There are literally mountains of clothes that need to be washed. Kinda hard to do considering #'s 2 and 3.

Now, add to that the fact that at times I'm totally amazed that I, bisa, am completely and solely responsible for getting all that stuff taken care of. ME?? When the fuck did I grow up? I'm still wanting the world to go away and just let me do my thing. I am SURE I didn't sign up for this responsibility thing. It's not on MY copy anywhere.

Now, the cherry on the top of this god awful sundae is the fact that I'm the only adult here. Yeah, the kids are fun to talk to, but I can't share any of this with them. I can't vent to them about this stuff. They look towards me as a barometer of how their lives are going .. "If Mom's ok, we're ok." I desperately miss having another adult to talk to. Yeah, I do have a special someone and I talk to him on a regular basis .. by email, by instant messenger, by phone .. but it's not the same. I long to be able to curl up on the couch with him at the end of the day and exchange battle stories of how the world treated us. I ache to look across a room and see those eyes smiling back at me, over the din of two kids wrestling in the floor. I miss being at the kitchen sink washing dishes and having him either press a soft kiss to the back of my neck, or even pick up a dishtowel and start drying the dishes. It's not about sex. It's about something much more powerful and intoxicating than that. It's about the connection between two people in love. That exquisite comfortableness that two adults can share. I know I'm not alone on one level, but when the shadows of problems start creeping up on me I feel utterly and completely alone at times. I've got no motivation, nothing save my work with Kimo's class seems worthy of doing. Utter despair set in. I look around and think "My house (a symbol of my life?) is falling apart around me and I don't have anyone here to help me hold it together." I did what I always do in times like that, I withdrew.

Ok - fastforward to today .. after speaking at great length with the special someone mentioned above I feel better, less fatalistic. He helped me map out a plan of attack and to realize that it wasn't one huge mountain to conquer, just a bunch of little speed bumps to make it over. We prioritized matters and it helped me see that I can get through this and that it won't be forever. The Honey-Do's are being taken care of. As far as the ache for companionship, it has been soothed to a manageable throb. I know that won't last forever either. Just until next summer when things will change drastically, for the better. I've done this for two years, what's another 10 months, right?

Now, rub your ears and thank you ever so much for letting me bend them. Ya'll are great. :)

*hugs and kisses*

bisa

Insert witty quote here


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