He's trying, I think, to protect his friends' feelings by weaning them from him .. and truth be told I think he's doing the same thing with himself from them. Everytime we finish talking it's not the standard "I'm going to crash. I'll catch up with you later." type sign off. Things have changed. Nothing is taken for granted. It rips me to shreds. I asked him to please promise not to just pull away from me. Not to fade away until he absolutely had to. He promised me that he wouldn't.
I don't know if I told ya'll in the last entry about him, but he's an amazing wood worker, carving the most lifelike statues from wood. I jokingly, before all this came about, told him that he could repay me for teaching him PSP by carving me an erotic angel. The big goof actually started it. He told me tonight that he's going to put a rush on it and ship it asap, that it's vital that he finishes it and gets it to me. He asked that I display it and think of him each time I looked at it. *big, huge tears*
He told me that Mrs. George has already been made to promise to call me at home and let me know when umm .. well you know. He said he promised me that I wouldn't be left not knowing.
He's also trying to keep things as light as he can. General idle banter. Jokes about wondering if he can take his laptop with him to the afterlife. I joked back that if he planned on getting past the pearly gates that he'd better do a reformat first.
Do you know how hard it is to try to force cheerfulness, to try to lift someone's spirits when all you want to do is lay your head on your desk and sob for years?
Do you know how fucking shitty you feel when you realize that you are feeling sorry for yourself when it's your friends going through hell?
Ok, bisa, pull it together. You know damn well that it IS George & Mrs. George and the kids that you hurt for.
Ok, so maybe I'm not a total selfish worthless bitch. Just a semi one.
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