Do the Math

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowned for a moment, then said, "O.K." He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About half an hour later he returned all tired and sweaty and said, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it was hard to tell.

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying,"Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman...Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Well, Your Honor," she began coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

After giving a man his annual physical, the doctor said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," the man replied, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

The doctor warned, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots. "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

The ticket - - $ 95.00

The look on his face - - PRICELESS

Words and Images � bisa-pet