I noticed an email from my Aunt, my Mom's sister, with the subject line "Bill's Dead."
I thought "Ok, kind of a crass way to notify us of a death in the family, but that's Pat. Hmm wonder which Great Great Uncle or Second Cousin Twice Removed Bill is or was?" My mother's family is huge and they are getting on in years.
I clicked on the email and read it, trying to figure out just who this Bill was, knowing I'd have to call Mom and say "Your Very Distant Relative Bill passed away".
My jaw dropped when it finally dawned on me who she was talking about. She was talking about my mother's twin brother. I don't know what stunned me more, the fact that he died or the fact that Pat EMAILS me with this information, instead of calling Mom herself. As I thought before, "How crass."
According to Pat a friend of my Uncle's wife called her this morning to give her the news, but the poor lady didn't speak or understand English very well. She got confused when Pat asked when Bill died, and just said someone would call when funeral arrangements were made. Pat had talked to Bill last week. He was in the hospital with pneumonia and Patsy was amazed that she actually got through and was able to talk to him then. He said he was feeling better and was receiving excellent care. Then out of the blue this morning we get the news that he passed away. Nothing else. The not knowing is the hardest part.
I'm struggling here with several trains of thought that I want to express, which go in numerous directions. So if this entry seems disjointed, I know ya'll will understand.
It probably seems odd to some people that I didn't immediately connect "Bill" with my Uncle Bill. The fact of the matter is that the last time I saw the man I was in fourth or fifth grade, making me 10 or 11, I guess. Umm that was over 25 years ago.
Yep, long time huh? Out of sight, out of mind? Probably.
See, my Uncle was in the service from the time he was 18 until he was in his 30's I'd guess. He was stationed in the Phillipines and loved it there, so he stayed when his time in the Navy was up. In the 30 years following he had come back to the states once, that I know of and that was when my Aunt's second husband was killed. He didn't come back a few years ago when their mother died.
*sigh* I just realized that all that I know about my uncle, which isn't a lot, is all second-hand knowledge, which is incredibly saddening to me. I'm very much a person who is family oriented. All I remember of him personally is that he looked a lot like my mom -- oh shut up, fraternal twins don't always look alike yanno -- and that he used to send me these gorgeous Geisha dolls when I was little.
I called Mom when I got back from taking the boys to school. She finally broke down and cried while on the phone with me, but only AFTER saying "Bisa, when your Dad came back to bed after you called earlier and he told me, I was numb. It bothered me that there weren't any tears." It was after she and I started talking about how she doesn't connect this death with Bill The Man, but rather with Bill The Teenager that the tears finally came.
She's mourning the brother she grew up with, not the man he became .. the stranger he became. There wasn't a rift between them or anything like that, it was just a distance, the emotional distance caused greatly by the geographical distance I suppose. Bill rarely called Mom and in all honesty I'm not entirely sure if she even had his phone number. Bill and Patsy kept in touch regularly, moving from letters and phone calls to finally email and IM. Mom seemed ok with this.
Damn ya'll, it's like being told that a stranger is your uncle. You just kinda go "Um, ok right" and go about your day to day life, yanno?
It's also the equivalent of being told a friend of a friend of a friend passed away. I mean this man was my uncle, my mother's twin. It just seems wrong for me to not feel a sense of loss. The sadness I feel is the sadness that stems from *that* fact, rather than the fact that my uncle died.
And I think that's what my mother is going through right now. She's sad, but I think she's more sad about the fact that they weren't close and never will be and I think, -- no, I know -- it bothers her that she feels that way.
It's also made me start to rethink my relationship with my own brother. We live in the same town, yet we only visit whenever we happen to be at our parents' house together. I honestly don't remember the last time I talked to him on the phone about anything.
Part of me is thinking "Ok Bisa, this proves that you need to start working on repairing that relationship with S. You don't want to feel numb or a sense of mental shrugging or "gee, that's too bad" if something were to happen to S, because that wouldn't be right since he's your only sibling."
Then another part of me is thinking "Umm, why? Just where is it written in Life's Rules that one must have a fantastic, solid relationship with their siblings?" I mean, yeah I love my brother and wish only the best things for him. I just don't like him. We don't fight and we get along fine. There's just not that emotional closeness there used to be. And while it's not ideally what it could be, who is to say what the "ideal" should be anyway?
And down another rabbit trail my brain goes hopping with the fact that entirely too many people I know are dying this year.
X's grandpa started things off for me in September, then Scott's death knocked me for a loop a week later. November I got word that my beloved Aunt has advanced pancreatic cancer and isn't given much longer to live. (Side note - Mom told me Monday that Dad had talked to Harriet's husband and found out that Harriet went through breast cancer last year and lost a breast, but didn't want anyone to know and that she isn't responding well to the treatments she's receiving now.) Now, in December I find out about my Uncle Bill.
And I wonder why I have relationship issues? Why I'm scared to death to let anyone completely inside the inner walls I have erected? Why I feel the need to hide away little bits of myself from people and why I tend to keep people at arm's length?
Why?
Because they die.
And it hurts.
Until next time~
Words and Images � bisa-pet