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Immunity Challenge #7 || 12.31.03

Immunity Challenge 7: The Time Machine

Submitted by Kinetix

You have the chance to go back and fix the one great mistake of your life - to undo the one thing you wish most of all you had never done. What is it, and why do you want to change it?

Yanno ya�ll, I sat back, read this and thought "Damn, I can�t think of anything. This is going to be hard."

You see, I�ve always lived with the mentality of �No Regrets.� I mean, everything we have in our lives presently is the result, either directly or indirectly, of things we did or didn�t do in the past and no amount of forehead smacking is going to allow us to change past actions. Right?

I could carelessly toss off �My biggest mistake in life was marrying X� and go on to list all the reasons why, and what I�d do to change things. But hell�s bells, if I changed that then I wouldn�t have Gomez and Kimo and that�s unacceptable.

Is my life perfect? Hardly. Am I content with it? Yes, for the time being I am.

But hmm, that isn�t exactly rising to the spirit of this challenge, is it?

Nope, I didn�t think so either.

So what did I do? I went prancing off through my diary in search of possibly finding something I�ve forgotten or repressed.

Did I find it?

Oh yeah, in a big way. Something I have spoken of rarely because of the hurt and the emotional upheaval it causes every time I stop to dwell on it. Something that forced me to remember.

It sat right there, like a hidden-in-plain-sight gem. Only this gem is more like a demon. Something I go to great lengths to avoid.

The problem, dear reader, with bringing this demon to light is the pain and uncertainty it will unequivocally cause. So I played devil�s advocate with myself:

Do you really want to open this up again, bisa?

Um, well no, not really.

Why not?

Because it hurts, for fuck�s sake!

Then why do it? Why not leave it be and come up with something less painful?

I joined this game to help breathe life into my diary; to give me something else to write about other than the kids or the dog. If I shied away from the challenge by writing a fluff entry instead of the truth, because it was easier, I�d be defeating my own purpose.

You said "uncertainty". What uncertainty is involved?

The uncertainty of exposing these feelings and emotions to others, which I would probably have to do in order to answer the IC question. I tend to guard my weaknesses fiercely and would be extremely upset and devastated should my sharing backfire on me. Hell, that's like Achilles attaching flashing neon lights to his heel, don't you think?

Also, writing about it would be infringing on the privacy the matter has been given. This matter belonged with two people in the past, now it resides with just one. It was never intended to be shared then, why should now be any different?

Worried about it being seen as exploitation?

Eh, not so much, because I've chosen to keep the details veiled and because I know how the other person would feel about it.

How would they feel?

He'd be the first one to encourage me to do it.

So why pick this? What drew you to this as your biggest mistake?

The fact that when I went back and read the entry and allowed myself to feel again, the emotions stormed me, catching me completely off guard and leaving me with a bunch of smile-worthy memories and a stream of tears. It is very much the one biggest regret that I can say I have that wouldn't alter my life as it stands now.

Alright, then you're going to go ahead with your answer and write about it, if even vaguely?

Yep, I am going to answer this provocative challenge, in my own way and let the chips fall where they may, without trying to be cute, or coy or subtle. I'm dropping all attempts at clever machinations because to me this is a different IC, one that requires openness and frankness. I'm trying to honestly answer the question about a very difficult and painful part of my life and I don't know how else to do it than by just doing it with my own "voice" here. So I would ask the reader to appreciate how I've chosen to answer, respecting the limits I've imposed upon it. It's not open to debate, nor to prying questions.

So, bisa, what is your biggest mistake and why would you change it?

*deep breath*

My biggest mistake is that I took time and life for granted and didn't make a phone call on September 7, 2003. Because, no matter what anyone says, no one is ever satisfied with talking to a loved one "just one last time". If you don't know why I'd change it, then you haven't been paying attention.




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