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Mornings REALLY suck || 01.06.04
I've been looking forward to today for umm approximately two and a half weeks now.

Yeppers, while everyone was all excited and anticipating "The Holidays", Bisa was all breathlessly awaiting the arrival of something harried moms everywhere have sugarplum dreams about.

Why, yes, that would be "The Day The Kids Go Back To School".

My eyes popped open bright and early this morning and I leapt outta bed before the alarm went off ....

*cue sound of needled being dragged off a record*

Not buying it huh?

Ok, it was more like "Gawwwwd, is it 7:30 already?" sprinkled with a few grumbles I don't even begin to know how to translate into written words. Ya'll use your imaginations for that, 'kay?

Kimo was in fine form today, let me tell ya. We did the whole teary resistance dance, but I finally managed to get him dressed.

While I was writing his name in his new coat* Gomez offered to go start the car for us to get it warmed up (Damn wind chill this morning is 11 degrees F).

*Stupid dipshit of an Ex hubby managed to forget Kimo's heavy coat when he brought them back to me Sunday. How the hell THREE adults (X, Mrs. X and X's Mom) could manage to get out of the house and not notice this child had no coat on in the middle of winter is beyond any concept I can come up with) So while I'm waiting for dumbfuck to bring the coat to me later this week - possibly, that is because we're not sure he'll be through town, I went ahead and bought Kimo another coat. See, Invisible Don, your Ex isn't the only brainless wonder wandering the planet.

Anyway, I get everyone ready and shoo them out the door. As I was pulling the front door closed I had this flash of "Ok, keys, where's the keys?" hit me. I basically ignored it once my brain connected with the fact that Gomez used them to start the car.

*SLAM*

About that time the boys come around the corner (the carport is to the back of the house) with wide eyes saying "The car doors are locked."

*hangs head*

See, my car has this really cool feature. Whenever you step on the brake and put the car into gear, the doors automatically lock for you. That's a safety mechanism, don'tcha know?

The downside is that if the car is running, say ... ohhh I dunno, like warming up ... the damn doors will lock anyway without the car having to be in gear.

Now see boys and girls, I know this. Honest. I do. That's why whenever I warm up the car I make sure that I never close the car door completely. I sort of ease it closed, but make sure that the latch doesn't engage. Gotta keep the heat in and the stray cats out, ya'see.

Problem here -- Gomez doesn't know this fact and my brain just wasn't in its normal perky state that is normally reserved for the hours of midnight to 2 a.m..

Brain ~whirling as rapidly as it can~: No prob. I have the spare set of keys .... ~slowing down~ but they aren't in my purse are they?

Well yes and no.

They are. They just aren't in the purse I happen to be carrying at the time.

Arrgggh.

I used to keep a spare house key in the storage shed. Actually my grandmother did and I just sort of left it there too because it was a great idea I forgot it was there for a while. Once I figured out that it doesn't do much good being there if the key for the lock on the storage building is on my keychain, along with my house key and car keys.

So yeah. I had to rethink that logic.

"Ohhh -- spare house key!" my brain desperately cried as I was walking around the house to the back door hoping against hope that I had left it unlocked. I spun around and asked Gomez "Where's your house key?"

"Umm, it's in my room."

~blink~

"Why on earth is it there and not in your backpack?"

"So I wouldn't lose it and would know where it was. Not so smart, huh?"

"Nope, Brainiac" Kimo chimes in through chattering teeth.

Now ya'll, remember it's friggen 11 degrees out there this morning. Saturday it was 79. It cooled off fast and let's face it, we're southern, we don't do cold well at all.

Yeah the boys were dressed warmly -- and while I was oh-so-ravishing in my Guaranteed to Embarrass the Holy Crap Outta The Kids ensemble of yellow and purple velour penguin pj's under my slate gray trench coat -- I had to face the facts that while said ensemble is nicely toasty to relax in around the house, I'm pretty damn sure that the phrase "around the house" isn't a literal one. Yeah, that came to me as I was running (that was literal) around the house in a damn panic trying to figure out which of the storm windows were open enough for us to get through.

Have I mentioned that my yard has a few sunken places in it from where the sewer pipes had to be cleaned out this past summer? No? Well now ya know.

Wish someone had reminded me of this fact as I was hot-footing it around the side of the house.

Lemme tell ya'll kiddos, finding one of those holes while in a rush isn't fun on the ankle.

I finally decided that the best route into the house was through one of the windows in Gomez's room. It's right by his bed, so there wouldn't be any problems with knocking stuff inside the house over or with getting tangled in electrical cords on the way in.

I asked Gomez if his storm window was up or down and he said it was up.

Great! Problem solved! YAY ME!

Umm .. until I remembered "Hey Bisa, those are STORM screens on those windows and you have to have a damn allen wrench to get them off."

No sweat! I have not one but TWO sets of them. Yeahhhhh buddy. I'm golden.

Umm, 'cept one set is in the kitchen junk drawer and the other set is ...

~whimper~ in the locked storage shed.

About THIS time I realize "Hey, the car sounds funny."

I walked over to it and discovered that while the fan was running, the engine wasn't on.

Hmmm.

I asked Gomez why it wasn't running and he said "Oh, I didn't start it, I just turned on the heater. You know, like when you are parked and just turn it far enough to start the radio?"

Kimo chimes in: "Ya mean like that time you ran the battery down?"

No, I didn't smack either of them.

ARRGGGHHH!!

Mental dialogue: "Ok brain, focus on ONE problem at a time. You gotta get into the house, find the spare keys, THEN you can deal with the car."

I decided "What the fuck. I'll just go ahead and slice the damn screen."

Brain: "With what, Einstein? All the tools are so carefully locked up, remember?"

So I rooted around the carport and came up with this funky tool. It's like a dual headed screw driver with the handle in the middle. One side has a regular flat screwdriver, the other side is a Phillips type. (Aren't ya'll amazed that I knew that term? *beam*)

Ok back to reality.

I latched onto the tool like it was the Holy Grail itself and stabbed it into the screen and ripped away, thinking "Eh, the screens all need replacing anyway."

I ripped the screen enough to allow for Kimo to get through.

I should explain here that the sills of my windows are all several feet from the ground, especially in the backyard, where we were, cuz see, 40 years ago no one thought about the cool architectural feature of having floor to ceiling windows in bedrooms.

I know I know, I'm digressing again, but damn, if you'd been through what I went through you'd do it too.

So anywayyyy ... I get the screen ripped and the window pushed up.

Brain: TRIUMPH!!!

Umm, not exactly, Brain. I still have to figure out how the heck to get a squirming 65 lb kid through that window. I hoisted him up and told him "Ok Kimo, put your feet against the bricks and use them for leverage."

*smacks forehead because this quickly became a "Oh Shit! You did it just like I told you!" situation*

I forgot the fact that seven year olds are extremely literal minded.

Yep, Kimo placed those little feet against the wall and used those incredibly well muscled legs and PUSHED as hard as he could ...

backwards ...

right into my chest ...

where my sore as hell because PMS has set in boobies reside.

Brain: PAIN PAIN PAIN!! Retreeaaattt!!

Yanno folks, when one is in pain, one's balance is effected in a big way.

Kimo and I go flying backwards and down into the damn sturdy 6 foot bush/tree thingy that I had bent the branches back from and was standing on to create access to this window.

Wouldn't have been so bad had it not been pruned during the first part of spring, leaving thick little stumps poking outta the ground.

How'd I know there were little stump-ettes there? Easy. My right ass cheek landed on a cluster of several.

Now normally ass cheek pain isn't something that I run from.

Shuddup Trin. I hear you laughing and snickering "understatement" under your breath.

But people, this felt like someone had punched me straight through all that nice padding I have and connected with bone. Now that I think about it, that's pretty much what happened.

Gomez, gentleman that he is, didn't laugh. But then again, he didn't exactly scramble to help me up either. I think he was stunned and already counting the booty he'd get from becoming an only child.

Finally he helped me up and together we hoisted and shoved Kimo through the open window. It was about that time that my weak right wrist let it be known that apparently when I fell I reached back to catch myself with it, while trying to keep Kimo from hitting the ground hard - needlessly, because he landed squarely against aforementioned sore boobies - and I twisted or jammed it.

*disclaimer* any typos in this entry are solely the result of the wrist brace I'm now sporting.

Kimo ran through the house and unlocked the front door and after a five minute search through all my old purses, I finally came up with the spare set of keys.

Brain (sheepishly asking): Victory?

YES!!! YAY ME!

Total devestation:

1 sliced/ripped screen

1 sore twisted right ankle

1 extremely sore right ass cheek/hip

1 throbbing right wrist

Only one tardy kid

Now ya'll just go ahead and try to tell me that today's Tuesday. I know DAMN well it's Monday in disguise.

If you'll excuse me, I need some pain meds and a nap.

Until next time (which will be before midnight tomorrow night because of the DS5 Immunity Challenge) ~

bisa




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